The Boat Wreck

 With the new summer descending upon us, I think this story is timely. I apologize if this story is matter of fact. It's not very colorful.

 When I graduated high school, I immediately left for basic training in the Army National Guard. After three months in Fort Benning, GA. I came back home. There were several of us who joined and went to basic together. I will save this for another time.

 We returned in August, prime time for the lake. My friend KK (I will use abbreviations when needed) had a ski/bass boat. CA had a new jet boat his Dad bought. We had a gathering of folks that we went to basic with and some local friends from surrounding areas. Prescott, Delight, Gurdon, Arkadelphia, etc.We were going to ski and swim and have a big time. We had the boats. We were going to have fun.

 The ones of us from basic had become like brothers. Or at least, cousins. We had formed a bond in a short period of time that we were carrying over after coming back to the "real world". We broke up into groups in each boat and began the day. I had to work that evening at the movie theater, but I had to take part in this.

 The best I can remember there was about five or six folks in each boat. We were skiing, swimming and having a great time. And indulging.

  As the day wore on both boats starting hanging around with each other closely. We started riding around next to each other alot. CA didn't pull any skiers because it was a jet boat. KK was pulling DB skiing behind his boat. Then it went..

 I was riding in KK's boat. I was sitting in the front of the boat. Keep in mind this was a bass boat/ski rig. For those of you who don't know, there is a chair on a pedestal on the front deck of the boat for fishing. That's where I was. I was in charge of watching the skier and telling the boat operator if something happened to the skier, because he had his back to them.

  We were going along parallel to the dike on Hwy 7 (as pictured above) a couple hundred yards out pulling DB skiing. Then CA came up beside us between us and the dike. He kept "jumping on it" and pulling out ahead of us in his jet boat, then falling back to get back beside of us. This went on several times.

  The next moment changed us all.

  CA "jumped on it" and pulled ahead of us and then turned directly across in front of us. I guess because of the speed his jets came out of the water. His boat stalled and spun broadside right in front of us. I can remember looking at KK behind the wheel of the boat I was in and seeing a look I'll never forget. Sheer panic.

  I turned around to face CA's boat and there was no doubt. We were going to collide. There's no slamming on the brakes in a boat. I'm not sure if that was even a possibility, if it would have made a difference. We were just too close.

  I remember feeling the impact and the front end of KK's boat going up in the air. I used that momentum and jumped. It wasn't a conscious thing. Or maybe it was. I just did it. Then I hit the water. It was all just about as quick as it took you to read this sentence.

  If you have never been in a wreck-type scenario it's hard to describe your thought process. Your brain seems to cancel out everything but what's directly in front of you, right then.

 When I surfaced I saw both boats. KK's was sitting there not moving. All I saw of CA's was the nose pointing straight up out of the water. Then there was a big release of air and water seemed like, and it sank. My brain was having a hard time wrapping around the moment.

 There was still people in KK's boat and there was a lot of hollering going on. I couldn't tell you what was being said. I knew I wasn't hurt, but I was trying to survey the situation. It was just so surreal. A few minutes ago we were having a good time. Now it was not real anymore. But yet, I knew it was.

  I started to swim toward KK's boat and I guess I had tunnelvision. All of a sudden MH (one of the friends I made from Prescott), who was in CA's boat was in front of me in the water. He said, "Help me, I think my back is hurt". I held onto his arm and we both made our way to KK's boat. It was sitting very low in the water, like it was sinking, too.

  When we got to the side of the boat he raised his arms to the folks in it to help him. As they pulled him up, right in front of me, I saw two huge gashes in his back. It almost looked like he was damned near cut in two. We had become really good friends in basic. Probably the best of. This sight just really made me jump back.

 When I got in the boat, MH was laying face down on the deck. CA was steadily hollering, "We need to get my boat!' The rest of us immediately started trying to put beach towels in the holes in MH's back. He kept trying to roll around until I finally got in his face and told him, "You're F'd up, quit moving around." We would put a towel in the wounds then a couple of seconds later throw it to the side because it would be filled with blood.

 KK said the boat was sinking and he didn't think it would get back to the marina with all of us. Me and another guy jumped out. They left headed that way and we started swimming toward the dike where there was already a crowd gathering. MH would eventually be OK, after surgery and hundreds of stitches.

 I eventually got back to my truck. Remember this was the time before cell phones. After I got home I kept trying to call KK at his home with no answer. His was the only phone number I had. I didn't know what to do. Looking back I should have went to the hospital, but I was 18. I guess I know that's no excuse. I guess I was just in some kind of shock. I kept trying to call right up until the time I had to go to work at the theater. No answer.

 About an hour after I got to work I got a call from KK. He asked, "Have you seen Kevin?" He was a friend I'd made in basic from Glenwood. "No, why?" "He was in CA's boat and nobody has seen him. His truck is still sitting at the boat ramp." I didn't even know he was in CA's boat. The Sheriff's office had already been notified.

 Apparently when KK's boat hit CA's it took out the backseat of the jet boat. Kevin was closest and MH was sitting beside him. The prop of KK's motor when it came across hit Kevin in the head and shoulder. MH must've had time to duck and the prop hit him twice in the back.

Divers found Kevin's body two days later.

 Kevin's family took CA to court months later. Everyone in both boats had the same story, except CA. He and his lawyers said KK forced him too close to the dike so he had to pull across and in front of. The defense talked about how the mother was taking pills, the sister had a surgical procedure related to the birth of a child, etc. Basically, they did not deserve to "gain" anything from his death. We were told about all this after the fact. Because we in the boats were all kept out of the courtroom until we testified. I was the last witness called. I sat in a room by myself for four hours, not being able to speak to anyone. When I finally took the stand his lawyer asked me, "Was there a lot of confusion after the accident?" I answered, "Yes." And it was over.

 CA was judged as innocent. As the law was set forth then, to prove wanton and will full negligence, CA would've had to have said something like, "I'm going to
carry you out here and try to kill you."

 I love the lake. Just like I do the rivers. This does not effect that. Just be aware and sober when you're operating a boat.

This is one of the stories of my days...

Welcome To My Hometown.

Since I have been deleted from posting on a question that was asked about my hometown, I will now use this to express my thoughts. Why do you want to ask the question then delete the opinion? I think that says it all. She knows who she is. I don't know which of us hit "unfriend/block" quicker after that.

I was born and raised in Arkadelphia, AR. I still have family living there.You wanna piss me off, just start talking bad about it. I don't think the people that still live there and call it home really understand my loyalty.

I grew up going to see my Grandma who worked at Wells, hung out at Sterlings, Ben Franklin's, watched The Legend of Boggy Creek at the Royal, and got threw out of Woody's News Stand for hanging around too much reading comic books. I ate many a burger from BJ's Burger Ranch. Well at least once a month when my Dad would buy them. Then they started selling live worms and my Mom refused to let us get something after that. I had ice cream in a cup with the little wooden spoon from the dairy. I had grilled cheese with those big toothpicks stuck in it and pickles from the drugstore. I used to look at the bikes at Otasco and think about cool it would be to have one.I drove around the Sonic and the Pizza Hut until I'm sure caused the rut in the road. I can remember going to, I think, JCPenny's and going up the stairs and getting a pair of jeans with them hard-assed patches in the knees. I played football from the 5th grade. I played on the Packers, the Buffalos, the Beavers, and the Badgers.

During high school (mine was the 3rd class at the new one), I worked at the movie theater. Yeah, we used to have two screens. I used to go to the bus station, pick up the movie (in cans) Thursday night. I would go back and "thread" it up then play it. There's a few of us who had sneak viewings of some real classics. We had dollar night at midnight on the weekends for college students who showed an ID. It would be something different than the regular movies. Something like Rocky Horror Picture Show. We had matinee double features on Saturday afternoons for the kids. Boy, that was a hoot! I worked at the gas station in Caddo Valley that eventually would be next to McDonald's. We had four pumps and an oil changing bay. The old man who I worked for me told me, "There's always something to do at a gas station. If you have time to lean, you have time to clean." Not sit on your butt and try and dictate and sway policy to the folks that live in my hometown. Sorry, you deleted my post.

Jobs. When Reynolds folded, it's like the town just gave up. I was young but I could see it. All the folks that made the money from there kept living off it (can't blame them), while everybody else just existed. After I was grown and tried to go back "home" I worked at Red Ball Oxygen, I had the privilege of selling the liquid oxygen and mapp gas to cut up the machinery in Reynolds that was hauled out in the parking lot. Kinda made me sick.

Fafnir, apparently was going to be a bust before it even started good. Again, too many local cliques involved with who got hired, promoted, etc. You can argue. Regardless, it's gone.

Service jobs are about all Arkadelphia has left. The old saying is, "If you don't make anything, you don't make anything". College kids and lake traffic is all that seems to keep it going. Everybody I hear is, "Im going to Hot Springs to go shopping. Or maybe to Benton." The lake business is too seasonal. Plus, Caddo Valley gets most of that. That's a whole different topic. I still don't get that whole feud thing.

Then you've got the land owners around the interstate. One person, in my humble opinion, primarily stymied growth in my hometown for years. And I think in some regards, still does. There was so much potential, but he thought he was sitting on a gold mine and I guess, relished in the fact. Him and his cronies completely controlled the businesses (and the lack thereof) in that area. And damn everybody.

Gas prices. Are you kidding me? See the above paragraph.

 Keep in mind, there are two companies that provide over 600 jobs each within 30 miles. And big percentage of them live in Arkadelphia. Every time I have visitors to the place I work for, we go out to meet and eat after hours, somewhere in Arkadelphia. I make it a point. I think effort and leadership can make some type industry happen. It doesn't have to be huge. Capitalize on the colleges. Look at the curriculum and see what most majors are in. Something to keep students in the area.

Arkadelphia must take charge of it's own future. There is so much discussion about volunteering. I couldn't agree more. It's just called effort. Then the mayor "fires" a volunteer baseball coach because he won't do what a "high-powered parent" tells him he should do with his son. That makes the state news. Kinda sends a negative message about my hometown.

I'm sorry that you decided to delete my post. Keep pumping gas. I will fight for my hometown until the bitter end. There are a lot of good people in Arkadelphia. It is in a lot better shape than a lot of places. It's good sometimes to look inward and ask the question, "What can we do better"? But be prepared to hear the responses.

I had to leave because I had to raise a family and my work experience and expertise didn't allow me to do it there. But I use every excuse to come back as often as possible. Sad for both of us. But I am hopeful.

Yesterday

My wife has been commenting about why I don't write. Sometimes it is timely to introduce the present before exploring the past.

 I am officially vacationing as of right now.

I have been told told by the big boss that I will not take off from Sept to Apr 2015, unless it's a family emergency because of SAP implementation. Will somebody adopt me?

Yesterday started at 3:15 AM. I got ready and was at work by 5:15. Normal day. I used to be ready in 15 minutes. One of the joys/have to of being...you know. If you don't, you may not wish to read this.

Send e-mail of defects per shift, pareto charts, trends charts, and percentage of good vs defects percentage and then a powerpoint with all this data I'm done.

Now it's 7 am.

I have a Six Sigma black belt project going on. I should have my certification in November. My project not only affects us, but all the other Firestone Building Products facilities as well. Some of them don't like it. Remind me to cry for them. (Google Six Sigma Black Belt)

Now it's 9 am.

I present all the charts and graphs, via power point, for the waste and production meeting on the "movie screen" in the big conference room. All Department Managers plus upper management are required to attend.

If there's no major issues, now it's 9:40 am.

WebEx A/V conference at 10. MAT building requirements. I get to talk with business analyst from Firestone, developers of the computer interfaces in realization to making it "talk" to SAP. I'm hung up on reprinting labels. I gotta go and this "Continuous Improvement" consultants group have hijacked my meeting room. Reminder: A consultant knows about a 100 ways to have sex, but doesn't know any women.

It's now 12:00 pm.

The WebEx of the Lunch n Learn recording yesterday crapped out. I have a meeting to play it back with a lunch for management/staff.

Major. Me and my partner in crime put together a powerpoint, a video realated, and screenshots from SAP. We are good.

It's now 1:00pm.

MAT WebEx teleconference walkthrough. I've got a problem with scrap reporting. They (SAP) want to talk me into something that I can't make work. When it comes down to us and them, us wins every time.

It's now 2:00pm.

Another freakin' MAT WebEx meeting with another SAP group. Sometimes, I think they're trying to catch me in a lie, or make sure I tell the same story twice. I can't go into details, but I swear these folks are just ignorant. Shit, we're making rubber roofing and pond liner stuff.

It's now 3:00.

I am going on vacation. Yeah, I'm leaving early. It would probably be in the best interest for both us that I leave now.

Vay "freaking" cation.



.

Where Do You Begin?

 One of the hardest things I have found about writing down memories is where to begin. I know that sounds ignorant, hell, just start at the beginning. I just don't think that's the way to do it. Storytelling is about the time, the place, the situation. That's what makes makes a good tale even more special. Sometimes it seems like folks are trying to "one up" each other with stories. When I start to see that happening, I just shut up and listen...and observe. That's one thing that I have gotten fairly good at over the years, observing.

 According to the definition, observing is:

ob·serve (əb-zûrv′)

v.ob·served, ob·serv·ing, ob·serves

v.tr.

1. To be or become aware of, especially through careful and directed attention; notice.

2. To watch attentively: observe a child's behavior.

3. To make a systematic or scientific observation of: observe the orbit of the moon.

4. To say casually; remark.

5. To adhere to or abide by: observe the terms of a contract.

6. To keep or celebrate (a holiday, for example): observe an anniversary.

v.intr.

1. To take notice.

2. To say something; make a comment or remark.

3. To watch or be present without participating actively: We were invited to the conference solely to observe.

www.thefreedictionary.com

 

 I have observed a lot, and I'm positive that a lot of people have observed me. At my best and worst. As I have them. When you try to convey those observations into print without the subtext of the "setup" it can be hard. The words do not carry the same resonance as it would sitting around and shooting the sh*t and then seeing a teen with his drawers hanging down. There could be memories told for hours after witnessing that. I guess that's like being a stand-up comedian. It's all about timing. And feeding off the crowds reaction.

 

 I have sort of a list I've compiled in my head of topics I'd like to cover. They are in no particular order, or relevance to each other. They won't make much sense at this point unless you can identify the topic yourself...because you were a participant. I feel like I need to list these to start the structure of, well, I guess my life so far.

 

Family Gatherings

The Cliffs

The Mad Butcher

Klipsch

Jimmy and the Bicycle

Planet of the Apes

Driving the Trash to the Dumpster

Stealing Apples

My Grandma's Pets

Beer on the Back Porch at Grandpa's

My Cousin's Friend From Scotland

Football

Dating a Cheerleader and Getting My Eye Dotted

G/T

Standing on the Porch for Hours After Dark

Basic Training

The Boat Wreck

The '69 Camaro at the Lake

The Horse Farm

The Twin Cinema

Sorghum and a B/W TV

My Brother

How I Met Your Mother

Selling Acetylene to a Person Driving a Car

Straw Market in the Bahamas

Car Wrecks

Mayo

Sickness

Passed Out in the Piggly Wiggly Parking Lot

The Lake/River

THE Ice Storm

Pong,Atari, etc.

Arkadelphia

"Mobile Phones"

The Red Barn

My Dad and Mom

How Far I Got With Each Girl *(I'm just kidding)

 

There are a lot more. It's hard to just sit down and start typing about someones life.

 

Stay Tuned.

 

 

 

Being From L.A.

 I'm not sure there is any other place in the world where I feel more comfortable. Some would say it's because I was born and raised here. I don't think so. I've seen people who moved to here and they have commented on the fact that life is so much simpler. So much more laid back (except during Christmas). They "know" where they are. Then I remind them they're at The Wal-Mart.

 Here's a few things that I believe are true:

  Growing up Southern is a privilege, really. It's more than where you're born, it's an idea and state of
mind that seems imparted at birth. It's more than loving fried chicken, sweet tea, and football. It's being hospitable, devoted to front porches, magnolias, moon pies and coca-cola... and
each other. 

 In the South, the breeze blows softer... neighbors are friendlier, nosier, and more talkative. Our way of thinking is different, as are our ways of seeing, laughing, singing, eating, meeting, and partying. Our walk is different. Nothing about us is quite the same as in the country to the north and west. What we carry in our memories is different, too and that may explain everything else.

Southerners have a genius for psychological alchemy...If something intolerable simply cannot be
changed, driven away or shot they will not only tolerate it but take pride in it as well.

The biggest myth about Southern women is that that they are frail types--fainting on their sofas. Nobody where
I grew up every acted like that. They were about as fragile as log trucks.

Snow in the South is wonderful. It has a kind of magic and mystery that it has nowhere else. And the
reason for this is that it comes to people in the South not as the grim, unyielding tenant of Winter's
keep, but as a strange and wild visitor from the North.

South Arkansas folks know their religion. Baptist, Methodist, Football.

South Arkansas women knows full and well that she can open a door for herself but prefers for the
gentleman to do it because it demonstrates a sense of respect. After all, every girl wants to be treated
like a princess. They know how to make fried baloney and chicken fried steaks while telling you everything about any football team in the SEC. They pick their battles and fight with the heart of a pit bull while still maintaining grace and elegance. Their mystique is that of a soft-spoken, mild-mannered southern bell who could direct an army, loves her momma and will always be daddy's little girl.

South Arkansas men are playful, silly, and downright funny. You'll never meet another man who takes his manhood as seriously, and who can do all sorts of very manly things that you've never seen before like hunt a wild hog and gut it before your very eyes, build a house, grill a deer, and have time to wipe the sweat off their burly chests to give you some proper loving. They are some of the most manly men that our country has to offer. (yeah, I couldn't resist the burly chest and proper loving reference) 

Most South Arkansas boys were raised by sensible women and had a manly daddy. They are extremely polite and kind.

Now let's get on the subject of South Arkansas men. We'll get back to the women in a minute.

There seems to be a dilution of what we are. I don't know if it's because of folks moving here from other areas, or the lack of a strong mother/father presence, or what, but I'm starting to see a "chink" in the armor. I know the way I was brought up. I think we are not imposing these same thoughts into our younger generation like the way it was on us. It should be and go without saying, but maybe it needs to be said and demanded.

"Southern Men, regardless of class or race, are well dressed. That being said, they don't have have the swarthy coolness of New Yorkers (gag) or the funky fun types that the North has to offer (hurl), but they will look nice, clean and respectable". I saw this on some internet site.

I will be "old fashioned" and treat you as if you're made of glass and don't have a muscle in your arms or legs. I will open doors, smile at everything you say, pull out your chair, and get up if you get up from your chair. South Arkansas Men should be charming to a fault.

Why is that so hard?

Here are a few things that we as South Arkansas men don't particularly care for in relation to our lady friends:

Don't Spray Tan - We live in the South, if you cannot tan effectively, then for goodness sake go pale and do not walk around looking like Snooki.

No Caked On Makeup - Newsflash: if he's really into you he doesn't want you wearing a lot of makeup. Natural skin is better so give up the pageant face.

No Red Lips - Most men cannot stand red lips. Whoever perpetuated this beauty trend must be a woman, because just like foundation when it comes to lips men like a more natural look.

Don't Dis His Family - South Arkansas men love their moms and they are very protective of their family. Have respect for him and his family to not put them down. Family is something that should be important because it is a gift to have a loving family. Building a family of one's own is also important and deserves the same respect.

Don't Wear False Eyelashes

Forget The Queen B Attitude - South Arkansas men love strong women, they were most likely bred by one, but strong doesn't mean acting like a Queen 'B'.

Keep The Volume Down, He Doesn't Want A Girl Who Takes It To 11 - Men are well aware you can scream, yell, and shriek. South Arkansas men like soft voices. Not soft as in a whisper, but just a pleasant, calming voice that doesn't have to achieve a decibel above a fire engine to get attention or make a point.

Stop Talking About Your Weight - We Love You. Hell, we ain't no beauty either. You're just stressing yourself out even more. 

 Don't Get Your Feelings Hurt All The Time - A woman who always finds herself getting her feelings hurt isn't a sweet, sensitive girl - she's selfish. South Arkansas men say 'grow up', learn to have some grit, and realize that not everything is about you. Sometimes a man is going to want to do something you do not want to do and sometimes he's not going to consider your feelings before doing something he wants to do - it doesn't mean he doesn't love you and care for you.

Stop With The Gossip - He doesn't find it cool that you sit around talking badly about other women, in fact he most likely looks at you like you are jealous and mean.

I'm sure you ladies have a laundry list of things you do not like about your men. Laundry is probably one of them.



Next: I'm done with generalities. Time for some storytelling...Time to hide the small animals.

 

 

 







 



 

Words and Phrases From the South - Part 2

It's really interesting to try and break down Southern speech into something you can put in print. Even after having lived in the South my entire life (so far), when I write out a word or phrase using the Southern vernacular, I have to say it aloud a few times to make sure I've got it. It can look really weird written down.

Here are a few examples:

JEETJET (complete sentence) - Did you eat yet?
YONTEW (complete sentence) - Do you want to?
TWIRLY-TWEET (complete sentence) - Too early to eat.
JEW HERE - (pronoun and verb) - Contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?


Of course no list would be complete without the Southern sayings. Southerners can paint a picture like no one else when describing a situation. As I've been told Southern-speak is really a work of art. I figure it's because we talk so slow we have to make every word count. Sometimes one word can count as a phrase. This is by no means an all-inclusive list. There are probably as many Southern phrases as a dog has fleas!

Can’t carry a tune in a bucket – to be unable to sing at all

Colder than a witch’s tit (in a brass bra in January) – the bit in parentheses simply adds some extra color to an already off-color (but quite effective) description of the weather

Colder than a well diggers ass - another description of weather

Fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down – if someone is unbelievably unattractive, looking as though they’ve been hit with several ugly sticks, this is the proper way to express that ugliness

Granny-slappin’ good (so good, it makes you want to slap your granny) – very good, usually delicious

Gussied up – cleaned up and dressed very nicely (perhaps formally)
A hankerin’ for – a desire/craving for

Happy as a puppy with two peckers/peters – very happy

High cotton – wealthy; successful (and maybe snobby)

Hotter than a goat’s butt in a pepper patch – very hot

How-do – shortened form of “How do you do?”

If I had my druthers – if I had my way/my preference

Knee-high to a grasshopper – very young and small, as in, “The last time I saw you, you were knee-high to a grasshopper, and look how grown-up you are now!”

Like herding cats – anything that is difficult to do, but especially anything that requires organizing difficult people (like small children)

Piddly/piddlin’ – a small amount (negative connotation)

Poop or get off the pot – make a decision and take action

Right – very (often surprisingly); an adverb usually used to modify adjectives, as in, “You wouldn’t know it to look at him, but he’s a right good ball player.”

Rubber-neck – to drive slowly so as to get a good look at a wreck or disabled vehicle on the side of the road. Those who rubber-neck are rubber-neckers.

Skedaddle – to leave hurriedly

Snug as a bug (in a rug) – very comfortable

(to) Think one’s s*** don’t stink – to think too highly of oneself

Tore up – broken/destroyed, as in, “I came home to find the curtains all tore up,” or, “My knee has been tore up since that skiing accident back in ’93.”

Uppity – snobby

Used to could – used to be able to, as in, “I can’t do a cartwheel any more, but I used to could.”

Useless as tits on a boar hog – utterly useless

Dreckly: Soon. "He'll be along dreckly."

Everhoo: Another baffling Southernism - a reverse contraction of whoever." Everhoo one of you kids wants to go to the movie better clean up their room."

Fetchin': Attractive. "That's a mighty fetchin' woman. Think I'll ask her to daints."

Fummeer: A place other than one's present location. "Where do we go fummeer?"

Got a good notion: A statement of intent. "Ah got a good notion to cut a switch and whale the far out of that boy."

Hush yo' mouth: An expression of pleased embarrassment, as when a Southern female is paid an extravagant compliment. "Honey, you're 'bout the sweetest, best-lookin' woman in Arkansas. Now hush yo' mouth, Jim Bob."

Ill: Angry, testy. "What's wrong with Molly today? She's ill as a hornet."

Jack-leg: Self taught, especially in reference to automobile mechanics and clergy-men. "He's just a jack-leg preacher, but he sure knows how to put out the hellfire and brimstone."

Kerosene cat in hell with gasoline drawers on: A colorful Southern expression used as as evaluation of someone's ability to accomplish something. "He ain't got no more chance than a kerosene cat in hell with gasoline drawers on."

Layin' up: Resting or meditating. Or as Southern women usually put it, loafing. "Cecil didn't go to work today 'cause of a chronic case of laziness. He's been layin' up in the house all day, drivin' me crazy."

Let alone: Much less. "He can't even hold a job and support himself, let alone support a family."

Let out: Dismissed. "What time does school let out?"

Mind to: To have the intention of doing something. "Ah got a mind to quit my job and just loaf for a while."

Nekkid: To be unclothed. "Did you see her in that movie? She was nekkid as a jaybird." (Note: Has any one ever actually saw a jaybird nude?)

Of a moanin: Of a morning, meaning in the morning. "My daddy always liked his coffee of a moanin."

Ownliest: The only one. "That's the ownliest one Ah've got left."

Raut: A method of getting from one place to another which Southerners pronounce to rhyme with "kraut". Yankees, for reasons that remain shrouded in mystery, pronounce "route" to rhyme with "root". Or worse still, "foot."

Restrunt: A place to eat. "New Yorker's got a lot of good restrunts."

Shainteer: Indicates the absence of a female. "Is the lady of the house in?" "Nope. Shainteer."

Shudenoughta: Should not. "You shudenoughta have another drink."

Take on: To behave in a highly emotional manner. "Don't take on like that, Brenda Sue. He's not the only man in Lee County."

That ole dawg won't hunt no more: That will not work. "You want to borrow $20 when you still owe me fifty? That ole dawg won't hunt no more."

Wear out: An expression used to describe a highly-effective method of behavior modification in children. "When Ah get ahold of that boy, Ah'm gonna wear him out."

Wender: A glass-covered opening in a wawl. "Open that wender, It's too hot in here."

Let down/up: Used in conjuction with Wender to indicate raising or lowering of a window.

Fell out: Surprise or dismay. " I got to the house and it was all cleaned up. I about fell out!"

Hotter than two foxes f*#&ing in a wool sock: Description of extremely warm weather.

Grinning like a possum eating grapes: For a scavenger accustomed to a diet of bugs, slugs, and roadkill, having juicy grapes to gorge on is like winning the lottery.

She was madder than a wet hen: Hens sometimes enter a phase of “broodiness” — they'll stop at nothing to incubate their eggs and get agitated when farmers try to collect them. Farmers used to dunk hens in cold water to “break” their broodiness.

He could eat corn through a picket fence: This describes someone with an unfortunate set of buck teeth.

These don't really need any explanation ( I don't think):

Busier than a cat trying to cover crap on concrete.

He's so dumb he couldn't pour piss out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel.

She could start an argument in an empty house.

He'd argue with a fence post he put up himself.

He's as windy as a sack full of farts.

I'm sweatin' like a whore in church.

He doesn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.

He's so full of sh-- his eyes are brown.

He don't know his ass from a hole in the ground.

He ain't got the good sense God gave a goose.

He didn't know whether to sh-- or go blind.

That stinks so bad it could knock a buzzard off a gut wagon.

Put wishes in one hand and sh-- in the other and see which one fills up first.

He doesn't know whether to check his ass or scratch his watch.

I gotta piss so bad my eyeballs are floatin'.

He's about as useless as a bent d--- dog.

He couldn't find his own ass with both hands and a flashlight.

I'm busier than a 2-dollar whore on nickel night.

He's crazier than a sh--house rat. (If you ever have the misfortune of meeting a rat who lives in an outhouse, you'll immediately understand this one.)

She's hot as a 2 dollar pistol.

He's slicker than snot on a glass door knob.

He could fall into a barrel of sh-- and come out smelling like roses. Me on the other hand, I could fall into a barrel of ti--ies and come out suckin' my thumb.

She's got her panties in a wad.

He's meaner than a one-eyed snake.

He's lower than a whale turd.

I'm so poor I can't afford to pay attention.

Quieter than a church mouse peeing on a cotton ball.

He's so tight he squeaks when he walks.

 Those pants are so tight...I could see her religion.

It's so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.

It’s drier than a popcorn fart.

Won't hit a lick at a snake.

Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's rainin'!

If his lips's movin', he's lyin'.

If that boy had an idea it would die of loneliness.

The porch light's on, but no one's home.

His brain rattles around like a BB in a boxcar.

He don't know s**t from shinola.


As you can see there are Southern expressions for every occasion. Whatever the situation, there is something to describe it in a way only us folks from the South can. This by no means even close to a complete list. Everyone has certain ones they've heard that is not included here. This is just a "smidgen".


I have to include these videos in this section. Southern ladies have their own set of phrases, that when said by a Southern lady, ex hues an ambiance unlike any other.

Words and Phrases From the South - Part 1

I have tried and put together words and phrases I've heard thoughout my life that are specifically southern. I've included a definition to each so the word/phrase can be understood by folks that "ain't from around here".

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin! - "Sorry. Not really a phrase but very Southern."


I've tried to put these in alphabetical order. Kinda' like a dictionary of southern speak.

Aggervatin - a. Bothersome, upsetting. Etymology:"make worse": My dawg jes won't point and dats so aggervatin
Ain't - v. cont Contraction of "am not." Not really a Southern contribution but usually attributed to them. The problem is not the word, but the use of the word to replace "isn't" and "aren't".

Air up - v. Put air in, "I stopped at d'fillin station to air up my tars."

Any count- n. Of any value: Is attur fried chicken yall's eatin any count?

Awfully - adv. Substitute for very, which can't be used south of the Mason-Dixon line. Very is avoided in the South.

Bag - n. A milk container with four spigots that hangs under the rear end of a cow. Also a cantankerous old female.

Bard - v. Past tense of borry, as in "My brother bard my pickup truck in never brung it back."

Be-ins - conj. Since, if, so long as: "Be-ins yore a-goin' to duh kitchen, why donchoo git me a glass a warter, too?"

Biddy - n. Baby chicken or a middle-aged female human, as in "old biddy".

Bidnis - n. What you get down to or stay out of other people's, as in, "That ain't none a yore dad-burned bidnis!" (Southerners don't like "s" before "n").

Bless yore heart! - int. A nice expletive expressing approval, encouragement, or to soften a subtle jab. ( I'll get more into this later)
Bob war - n. A twisted wire studded with barbs. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that-air bob war fence!"

Borry - v. (past tense: bard) To take something with the full intention of returning it someday or t'other.

Booger man - n. Something or somebody that'll gitcha.

Britches - n. Pert much anything worn over the legs: pants, trousers.

Bumfuzzle - v. To confuse, puzzle, or stump, as in "I don't know how that beer cap got in d'carburator; hit's got me plumb bumfuzzled."

Caint - v. aux. Can not.

Carry on - v. Overdo your actions or make a lot of fuss, as in, "Yall young'ns stop a-carryin on so; we cain't hear each other talk."

Catty-corner(ed) - a. Diagonal.

Cattywampus - a. Askew, awry; not straight.

Chicken fried steak - n. A steak dipped in batter like chicken then fried until crisp. Some cooks will then smother it in gravy to hide the evidence. (Try to go up north and order one)

Chinchy - a. Real stingy, as in, "That Roscoe's the chinchiest sonnovagun I ever seen."

Chunk - v. To throw, thoe, or toss, as in, "Hey, boy! Chunk me a chunk of at-ere wood you got dere.

Citify - v. To take the country out of the boy; said by some to be impossible.

Co-Cola - n. The most famous of the cold dranks. (Coca whut?)

Collards - n. A leafy vegetable high in iron and, when cooking, odors.

Conniption - n. A major fit, total loss of control of one's temper; you pitch a conniption (hissy).

Coot - n. As in "old coot"; a person over 60 years of age.

Critter - n. Creature, with special preference for animals.

Cut on/off - v. Turn on/off: "Cut off d'lights when you leaves d'room.

Cut up - v. Show off, as in, "Now don't you young'ns cut up in church today; do you hear?

Dang - part. Emphasizes almost anything you want it to: "Git your dang hands off my sledge hammer!

Dat-air - Away from me, as in, "Gimme dat-air munky ranch."

 Differnt - a. Not the same, different.

Dinner - n. The meal et around the middle of the day. (My wife has a real problem with this)

Dihyeer - n.Near-by, near me: "Take a look as dis-hyeer munky ranch I just bought me."

Dissermember - v. Antonym of "member," to forget: "I planned to stop for a mess of butterbeans but I plum dissermembered."

Doohickey - n. A Southern thingamabob.

Druther - v. aux. To prefer, as in, "I druther watch The Wheel; how abou chew?"

Et - v. past tense. The past tense of eat.

Ever - a. Quicker form of every. Everbody.

Eye-talian - n. Fokes from Itly. (For my wife)

Fetch - v. Go, get, and bring back.

Fix - n. A mess, trouble: "Sally May has really got herself in a fix, now!"

Fixin - v. aux. Getting ready to: "I'm fixin to leave."

Fixins - n. What is needed to prepare a dish.

Fokes - n. People

For crying out loud! - Well, I'll be darned!

Frazzle - v. Wear out, fatigue, especially the nerves. "His nerves have been frazzled ever since his finger got caught in the car door."

Frizzle - a. Messed up, uncontrollable, as the frizzly hair.

Fur piece- n. A long way, a great distance.

Gallivant - v. Travel widely, ignoring one's responsibilities, "Emma Mae, whir've yew been a-gallivantin all day?"

Give out - adj.Exhausted, tard, tuckered out, as coming home from plowing 40 acres plumb give out.

Goober pea - n. Peanut

Gone - v. Completely finished doing it: "Billy Rae's done gone et the last piece o' fried chicken, mama?

Gosh dang it! - int. Yet another expression of surprise or frustration.

Goodness gracious! - int. An expression of surprise you can use in front of your mother.

Goozle - n. That funny little punching bag in the back of your throat.

Grits - n. Do you have to ask?

Gubmint - n. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."

Hafta - v. aux. Modal auxiliary indicating obligation. (Must is a word not found in most Southern dialects).

Haint - n. (1) A supernatural spirit that means living fokes no good.

Heap - quan. A lot. "But dahlin, don't hit me; I loves you a whole heap."

Heidi - greet. As in "Heidi doo!" Simpler (and faster) way to put "How do you do". The exact date when the Germans borrowed it from Southernese remains obscure.

High-falutin - a. Extremely fancy.

Hire yew - greet. Variant of "Heidi doo!" used to divine the current state of the listener. In fact the two phrases may be combined as in, "Heidi, hire yew?

Hissy - n. A minor fit, slight loss of control of one's temper (conniption); you pitch a hissy or hissy fit.

Holler- n. A small valley ("They live down dere in Coon Holler").

Holler - v. Talk at the top of your voice.

Holt - a. In your hand: "If'n I gits holt of a shotgun, you'll shore change yore tune!"

Hoot 'na holler - n. A short distance: "Why he lives just a hoot 'na holler from hyere."

Hot damn - int. An especially good damn, as in a hot sale or a hot deal.

Howdy - int. Short for 'howdy do', a common greeting down South.

Ida Claire - int. The saint Southerners turn to in moments of surprise: "Well, Ida Claire! If that don't beat all!

Idnit? - Same problem as with bidnis—them "s's" before "n" again.

If that don't beat all! - A phrase expressing surprise.

If'n - conj. Variation of "if". (Southerners love their new suffix, -n, so much, they stick it everywhere. See young'n and his'n.

Ignert - a. Not smart. Jawl - subj-pred. Contraction of "Did yall", as in: "Jawl know whir I can git some cornbread 'n grits dis time a night?" Kick up a ruckus - verb phrase. Cause a commotion. Kilt - a.Past tense of kill: He kilt hisself a bar in dem dere woods. Kin to - a. Related to (someone) Lick - n. The smallest amount. "At-ere dawg o'mine, he ain't got a lick o'sense." Liddle-biddy - n. About the same size as a lick, very small: "Where'd you git at-ere liddle-biddy hammer o'yorn? Light bread - n. Store-bought white bread, as opposed to corn bread and biscuits (= real bread). Looky hyeer! - v. Emphatic variant of "Looky." "Looky hyeer" and "Look a-here" are purt near the same. Lord a'mercy! - inter. What you say when thangs get outta control. Mash - . (1) Push (a button). (2) Squush up, as in "mash 'taters". Mawnin - n. The early part of the day. Member - v. Remember Meer - n. A glass you see your relection in. Might could - v. aux. Might be able to. Nairy - quan. Not one, none: "They ain't nairy (a) one in the house." No count - a. Worthless Okry - n. A poddy vegetable that cooks up slimy but delicious if you cook it up with a slice of bacon. On - v. aux. Future tense marker, as in "I'm on gichu!" Ornery - a. Mean, hard to get along with. Outta kilter - a. (1) Crooked. (2) Not working properly. Pester - v. Act like a pest: annoy, persistently bother. Pile - quan. A lot (of), as in "Everthang you sed is a pile a crap, Lonnie Sue!" Pistol - n. (1) Someone who is really good: "She's a pistol when it comes to churnin butter." Plain - a. Somewhat ugly, e.g. "She's a plain girl." Play Possum - v. Act like you're asleepin or pretend in general. Plumb - adv. Completely: "Are you plumb crazy?" Polecat - n. (1) Skunk. (2) A really bad person. Pooch (out) - v. Stick out: "Why yore lips pooched out like that, honey?" Puny - a. Weak, sickly, as in "Thank ah'll stay home; ah feel a little puny today." Purdy, Purt - a. Attractive, as in, "She's downright purdy." Fairly, "Hey, that came purt near hittin me!" Reckon - v. Think, figger. Recollect - v. Remember Rye-cheer - adv. Very close to the speaker, as in, "Why don chu build yore still rye-chere under the porch, Donnie Lou?" Rile - v. Stir something or someone up. Ruckus - n. A loud noise or anything that makes one. Saerdy - n. The sixth day of the week. Sass - n. Talk back insolently: "Don't sass me, young man; I'll tell yore daddy on you!" Seeins how - v. Since, it being the case, as in, "Well, I ain't fixin' your supper no more, Willy Joe, seeins how we's divorced now an all." Seen - v. Some people use this as the past tense of to see: "I seen him over yonder this mawnin." Septin - prep. With the exception of, as in, "Everbody ate his collards septin Rachael Ann." Shed - n. Rid, as in, "I just cain't git shed of this hyere cold." Shore - a. Positive, as in "Are you shore you know whir we are?" Shore doo Show - n. Short for "picher show", a motion picture. Sichy-ayshun - n. A perdicament or whatnot: "How'n duh Sam Hill did you ever gicherself in a sichy-ayshun whirr duh fish er a-bitin' an' you ain't got no pole." Smack (dab) - a. Precisely, as in "smack dab in the middle." Someone - pro. Doesn't exist in real Southern. You can only say somebody, anybody.) Sorry - a. No good, as in, "Ain't he 'bout sorry?!" Spell - n. (1) A while, a stretch of time. (2) Trying to get the letters of a word in the right order. (It hain't easy.) Squall - v.To cry at the top of your lungs, as in a roomful of squallin' younguns. Stob - v. Something sticking up from the ground. Stub - Accidentally hitting your toe on something sticking up from the ground. The Sticks - n. Far from civilization; way out in the backwoods. Sump'n - n. Something. Sump'n teet -n. Food: "I hain't had sump'n teet since dinner.". Sugar - n. As in "Gimme some sugar": affection, a chance to snuggle your neck, huggin' or kissin' or both.  Supper - n. The meal (supposed to be) et around 5 o'clock. Tarred - n. Tuckered out, exhausted, fatigued as to come home from work too tarred to hold a fork. Tater - n. The potato. Tawk - v. To communicate using language. Thang - n. Any object, concrete or otherwise. Them - pro. Those. "Jimmy John, where in the world did you git them pants?" Thoe - n. To chunk, toss. Very similar to throw without the R. Toad - v. Past tense of "tell", as in "I toad you so!" Tore-down - a. In less than optimal condition. Tore Nader - n. A strong, spinning wind that stirs things up considerably. Tote - v. Carry Tow sack - a. Burlap bag. Tucker out - v. Exhaust, fatigue, as to be plumb tuckered out from cleaning fish. Tune up - v. Start crying. "When Ginny Mae didn't git any candy, she tuned up and gave out a squall they heard in Kalamazoo." Turn loose - v. Release oneself to wild abandon. "He turned loose and cut a jig right air in d'livin room!" Uppin - v. aux. To do something suddenly or unexpectedly: "I toad him we's havin liver fer dinner and he uppin left." Upside - adv. On the side of, as in, "When Andy toad her how ugly she wuz, she hittim upside da haid widda fryin pan." Vetern - n. Somebody who fought in a war and came back home. View - v. cont. A phrase used to find out it someone else has done something, as in "I hain't never seed New York City, view?" Vittles - n. Anything worth eating. Yahoo - n. A ignert hayseed from the sticks. Yall - pro. The plural of you. (You didn't think I'd forget this one, did you?) Yonder - adv. (over here, over there, over yonder) Young 'un - n. A young thang, a baby. Yousta - adv. An adverb indicating past frequentative activity, as in, "I yousta smoke." And there you have it. I love being from the South. I love speaking the language. Understanding it and, hopefully translating parts of it, for all you other heathens...

Intro

Maybe this is my mid-life crisis thing. Hell, I'm feeling lucky to have one.

I have talked about doing something to reflect my heritage for years. It's difficult to take a life and put all the people, situations, scenery, and everything else in words and pictures, etc.

Most of the time I get to talking about one thing and then I go off on something else, then something else, and so on. Kinda' like going on You Tube looking for a video on how to (whatever) and end up watching a fat cat trying to get through a pet door. Two hours Later!!!

I guess the best place to start this journey is with speech. That seems to be where I stand out in a crowd. After having married a Yankee woman (born and raised in Chicago), it has been pointed out that I have an "accent". We have always sparred back and forth about how things are said. More so since I have to deal with people in my line of work from around the world. I have been told that, "You don't talk alot, but when you do, it's a work of art." Please...I think they're patronizing. I've seen a lot of bad art.

See, I have digressed already. I will try and chronicle the words and phrases I have heard, and used, throughout my life to reflect the southern vocabulary. And yes, it is a vernacular that is world-reknowned.